Plagued By ill Feelings

I've had better feelings running through my body than I am at this present moment in time. And so I am sitting down to diary, to very well, more than likely, and I can rest assure, I am positive to remain and continue to be unrested, restless to the ends of my evening. I am quite confident that my human shell shall stay and remain unpleasant. So many countless ticking seconds that add up to hours proceed this writing. All time that has been plagued by ill feelings. To the lamen. I am very out of it. To the one that is still reading my overly descriptive nonsense, and to the one who has not yet fallen asleep, bored with my adjectives, I say, you are too kind. I think I took my ribavirin a little too late after I ate. I usually eat it with something that has substinance. That way it settles into the stomach like a baby wrapping itself into its mothers arms. but today I ate and then about an hour and a half later I remembered that I forget to take my pills. I did just eat something again, hopefully that settles my yucky all over body feeling. Maybe it won't. Whatever happens I'll just go with the flow, nothing I can do about it now.

Still in first gear and feeling like a turtle with a learning disorder. Driving was not easy tonight either. I was asked to go out after my meeting, but had to decline. Not only am I feeling yucky but I'm not driving to well. Best if I just stay home and drive my king size bed with the remote control.

I'm also slipping into the onset of a headache. I find myself at a fork in the road at this time of night. Do I flush the headache with water, Knowing that I have a high chance of getting rid of it, but then become so engulfed with water that I need to piss like a race horse. And to tell you something honestly, I'm not a horse nor am in any mood to race. I'm also not in the mood to almost be falling asleep then have to roll out of bed to go to the bathroom all the time. But, if I don't take care of this headache I certainly could feel worse and that is not good for me. Plus I need to be drinking lots of liquids.

I of course will take care of myself, drink plenty of water and a couple tylenol, read a book til I am tired and If the worst of my night is getting up and going to the bathroom then I think that is nothing to really complain about. I'll bitch and I'll whine but I'm man enough not too complain. That would just be pathetitic.

P.s. please Do not think I am in a sad or negative mood. I look back at what I wrote and I can see where someone could misinterpret that. I will say this like I say a lot of times. I feel okay. I don't feel great, and I have certainly felt better. I just accept and know that some of my feelings are not going to up and disappear. If I fight those feelings and wish so much to be feeling a different way. If all I do is sit in pity and i wish I felt better and I just don't accept that I feel this way; I am going to feel this way for sometime; and its okay that i feel this way. Then I feel that i am setting myself up for a fall. I'm not saying I can't and I don't try to remain positive. But i stay away from overly high expectations. I desire and hope to feel great. I think positive, and try to keep a smile. but If I don't then thats okay.

Deep inside, atleast at this moment, I am happy. I feel like crap, but I am happy. I am lucky to only be feeling the way I feel and I I could be worse. I also have the best parents who are helping and putting up with my crappy days and I have some good friends too. I have things I can do when I feel like this. things that don't invlove a lot of doing. Of course some of the things I write are depressing, Thats only because I know a lot of adjectives and I like writing. Do you think Stephen King would be so scary if he never used the dictionary. Anyways, I talk too much sometimes, even in my thoughts.

Plainly stated, but way longwinded.This is reality and this is my life. This is also a diary. I'm pretty sure if you were to write down all your thoughts not all would sound like you were happy happy Joy joy. This is my treatment. I accept this and this too shall pass. This isn't forever. And I don't want pity just strong kick ass "Virus Killing" prayers. and now I am babbling.

Like I haven't talked rapidly and continuously in a foolish, excited, or incomprehensible way before.....

Transition. the process of changing from one state or condition to another. Perseverance. steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. Holding on. This too shall pass. staying the course no matter how filthy the path. Waking up to another beautiful day and only seeing half the sun shining and feeling tired within my soul.

This is one of those days. where I just have to move through it. I did not wake up feeling like crap. I did not wake up in any pain. Deep inside I know its a gorgeous day. All I need to do is open my tired eyes and see. I can feel its warmth comforting me. But the rest of my human body and captive stagnate weary mind says its a grey day out today. My body is in first gear and I am too tired to do any shifting. What a battle I sometimes endure through out the hours within the momments of a day. But I have learned and I do not put up a fight, I move past it. This is just a day that I feel this way. It will go away. This too shall pass. I let it go and move on. My nurse said there would be days like this. And this is one of those days. I will remain with a smile inside even though it doesn't show through on the outside. The only thing I don't like is going out in public feeling this way. Everyone thinks somethings is so very wrong. I guess there sort of is but nothing to be concerned about. I just feel like this today. I need to move through the day like a zombie. This is my day. I guess I can be thankful for friends who care.

I'm okay today I just don't feel alright...

thats funny....