Welcome To My "HEP C" Life

Have I been a Bad Boy?

2007-02-05T15:30:00.000-08:00

A big apology and a huge thank you for all of your thoughtfilled concerns on how I am doing. I have been extremely busy since I started school and have truly had no time to do anything but school - meetings - homework - and just look at my emails.
I haven't even been able to get back to anyone cause of my schedule.

Then in the last month I have been blessed to get into a relationship. and with that relationship comes 3 beautiful children. And in the last week I picked up a job that will be part time. It is something in the art field, somthing that I am going to school for. This is a great opportunity and great practice.Only a little bit of hours each week. Balance is crucial to me. I understand I need it and with that comes rest. It sounds like my plate is full, and it sure is, but it full of good things and the plate is yummy with positive energy taht brings a smile to my soul.

I am doing good iun school. I am so glad that I took the chance to go back. The laying around and doing nothing for my 1st 3 months of treatment was good at the time and needed, but I NEEDED to go back to doing life. I now don't have time to think about how yucky I feel and how tired I am. I just move through it and go on. Laying around all day and doing nothing gave me time to think about how sick I felt and in turn that made me even sicker. That isn't good for the body to be like that.

I am on week 20 of my treatment. I have seen my nurse and she is amazed at my results. Being Genotyope 1b and the amount that my viral load was before treatment, she is amazed at how quickly I responded to the medicine. I AM A NEGATIVE for hep c!! God bless the doctors for coming up with a treatment. I am now at 230 lbs - which means that I have lost a total of 30 pounds since this summer. Its been a healthy loss so that is good. I do get the aches and the pains - the headaches and the tiredness - but I know what to do and I know why I am feeling that way so I just accept it.

I am trying truly to keep in touch, but I have so much other stuff. But I will continue to write and I just want you to all know That I am okay, I do have my days, but I am Living with a smile inside my mind, in my heart and in my soul....

Coloring My Day With Sunshine

2007-01-08T04:50:00.000-08:00

lifted into a new way of living. Growing. smiling. moving forward. Taking on the day. Getting through the tiredness. the fatigue and the exhaustion.

I had a crappy night of sleep. Only one hour and then I was up again. I am up for school and then I will get some rest after I get home.

My muscles and joints have hungered with aches, but I have subsided those feelings with a few tylenol.

All in All, I am a smile of sunshine on this brisk winter day. What other way do I have to face the morning? with a frown of disgust? I don't think so.

Attitude of Gratitude...

Shot DaY #16

2007-01-05T15:10:00.000-08:00

Life has beauty everywhere
so where are you focusing your vision on today?
I seek to look past the garbage
One mans garbage is anothers' treasure
And I see the treasure in the dirt
The sun is always shining on the other side of the clouds
Positive optimism Will change your attitude
All action is born in thought
And I am thinking with a smile

My 16th shot has been taken. I am 1/3rd of the way through with this beautiful treatment.

I am off to my meetings

A tired Happy Soul

2007-01-04T01:23:00.000-08:00

Its been fun. Rough. Exuberant. Energetic. Rewarding and tiring going back to school. But I am so far keeping a steady balance of it all. So hard to get back in the swing of things yet so eager to as well.

My classes are mondays and wednesday 8:25-10:25am
and Tuesdays and thursdays 1-2:25pm

Had another follow up with my Hep C nurse. Things are still showing negative. I had a count of over 2 million in my viral load and then after only 1 month it showed negative. and now after 3 months it is still showing that same sign. I get a gold star for that don't I?

Actually I couldn't do this all without the love of my parents and friends, my meetings that I go to that help me with balance and my higher power.

Now with school going on and with everything else, it's been hard to get on here to blog my days. So if I miss a day it's just becausxe of my schedule and when that is all done, All i want to do is lay down...

First Day Back To School!!

2007-01-02T10:19:00.000-08:00

Off to school to learn some Edu-ma-cation. Can't wait to balance this into my life. Been doing nothing for so long that its definately affected my health.

I wake up sore and tired.
But I go on.
I grab a cup of coffee and go on.
I walk around and prepare for my day.
and I go on.
I smile and I focus what I can do with my day.
And I am going on

Shot DaY #15

2006-12-29T10:58:00.000-08:00

Today I do my 15th shot!!

I also have my meetings tonight along with my weekly field trip to eden prarie. I feel good today and my health is just fine. This is great because this is my 4 years of sobriety today!! I can make it to my meeting to get my medallion. I am so grateful to be sober as well as healthy enough to go up to my meeting and enjoy this day with my friends who have been with me on this incredible journey. I was a little worried about if I was going to feel okay today, But so far so good.

Wednesday night thursday One Twenty A.M.

2006-12-27T23:21:00.000-08:00

filled my day with accomplishments. a sprinkle of productivity and one or two goals got completed.

Now I am able to lay my head down and fall deep within my tiredness. I have been up all day. which is a positive for me. But what is more wonderful is that the only pain I feel is the slight ache in the joints and a whisper of exhaustion within my soul. All will fall away once I put to rest my weary eyes and lay my sleep out to say hello to my dreams.

Goodnight....

Pee Ess:
I got my books today for school. I will be starting next tuesday. Can't wait to get back. scared and frightened but turning over those fears. I will take it one day at a time. Thats all that I can do. Take it as it comes and prepare the best that I can to deal with my health and handle all the studying and the schooling.

I will do what is in front of me and then
I will leave the results up to the my higher power.

2006-12-26T21:20:00.000-08:00

Drawing done in Illustrator

worn out from being too tired cause I'm so fatigued within my soul.

It sucks only having some energy for about an hour and then I have to drag myself the rest of the time. Oh well.....I did another day

and it was a long drawn out day...

I'm pooped out.

I'm tired.

But I am one day closer to being off treatment....

God I can't wait!!!! It is really tiring being tired all the time.

And exhaustion is very exhausting to go through...

Two Thirty Six P.M.

2006-12-25T12:36:00.000-08:00

Merry xmas!! And what do I have to be grateful for? not feeling like shit, thats what.

I had an over all good morning and afternoon. I have felt so yuck lately. I hardly have wrote anything on my blog as you can notice. I wish all a merry holiday and may your day be filled with gifts of warmth to all of you.

I have a meeting tonight and I think I will be in proper feeling good attitude to make it.

2006-12-23T08:27:00.000-08:00

I feel very nauseous

under the covers

2006-12-22T12:33:00.000-08:00

still not felling too well. I will not be going out tonight.My sleep has been sporadic and when I finally do get to sleep it is only for an hour at a time.

One Fourty A.M.

2006-12-21T23:40:00.000-08:00

been tired.
been worn out.
been exhausted.
been out of it.

Atleast I've been something....

starting to feel a little better. Today is my 14th shot. I can't believe I haven't written anything since monday. It is now friday and the week has flown by. I hope to feel up to going to my meetings tonight.

Feelings of nausea have surfaced. I can't seem to get the feeling out of my head. And speaking of my head, the aches have started to heat up on the sides of my mind. This is always a sign that I am about to be saying hello to a headache.

2006-12-18T14:41:00.000-08:00

Tired but going on.
Exhausted but moving on.
Went out to Old country buffet today - my parents and I took spencer there for his 30th birthday.
I have a meeting tonight.
Nothing too extreme of a day, I guess that is good.

Tuckered Out

2006-12-17T13:14:00.000-08:00

I walk around the house and feel so very tired. I try to fall back to sleep but my dreams seem to not want me around.
So I am just being lazy and keeping my blankets warm.

I will be going down to pick up spencer in a lil' bit here. Can't wait to get back home and say hello to my blanket of dreams

Saturday Night Six Fifty

2006-12-16T16:49:00.000-08:00

My day was filled with sleep. Then as I woke up late this afternoon, I cleaned the kitchen and the entry way by wiping the floors and doing the dishes. Got my shows all watched.

Side effects:

Upset stomach and tired

Four Twenty P.M.

2006-12-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

Disciplining myself to do a couple of things a day that will keep me in the momentum of that positive flowing stream within. And that is allowing me to live in the smile of today. I will be starting school next month again and I am making sure that Each day I direct my thoughts towards learning. I set aside a couple hours a day and push my brain into that thinking mode. I need to excercise those muscles and I do not want them to be all flabby once I begin school, cause I know what a pounding it is on the brain to read and study and go to school.

I got my labs done. It is sometime weird to watch the nurse pull out a big book and start reading about what Vials they are to use and then they collect one vial from this shelf another from a cabinet and another from over there. It makes you really aware of the testing that they are doing. Its not that normal blood tests...I have a disease!!!! so they have to look me up in the medical books...lol

When I got back home here I took my shot. Now that was number 13. Thirteen has always been a good number in our house. My parents got engaged on the 13th and have been married for over 200 years!!! nah, 36 years - but I was close.

13 to me means that I am one shot closer to my goal of ending this treatment.

As you can tell with my humor I am feeling up in spirits.

It feels Good feeling Good...

Off to do my evening of warming thoughts and beautiful smiles

Shot Day Number Thirteen - One Fourty P.M.

2006-12-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

I've been sleeping like crap the last few days. I wake up every hour. My itching is unbearable. I'm just scratching the surface with complaints...

I feel good today. I have Labs at 2:15 and then when I get home I am doing my shot -Number 13 baby!!

Tonight I have my 2 meetings and then my field trip to Eden Prarie. My friend is coming along. She just popped out a baby a little while ago and he is coming along too.

Doing okay...Just itching along through the day

One Sixteen P.M.

2006-12-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

Moving through with the day. I got rid of my tiredness by sleeping til I could sleep no more. It turns out that 11:30 am was that specific time. I have the whispers of a headache but I am hoping that with some tylenol and my daily caffiene fix, that might end up disappearing.

I'm trying to do some more step work today. Get rid of a lot of shows that I haven't watched lately and work on some drawing. Then this evening I have a meeting to go to. It's been a while since I have been to this thursday night meeting, so I am hoping to feel up to making it there.

Well I can't procrastinate on some of my daily disciplines so I better get to them...

Eleven - O - Two A.M.

2006-12-13T09:02:00.000-08:00

Feeling a little more tired on and on today. I woke up this morning only to lay back down cause I was so tired. Then I woke up again and now I am feeling that worn out feeling again, so much so, that I am sure that I won't make it too much longer without another closing of the eyes.

Side effects: Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Itching Scratch Itching Itching Scratch Itching Itching Scratch Itching Itching Scratch Itching Itching Scratch Itching Itching Scratch.

I take benedryl but when it is during the day like now I am weary of taking it because it makes me tired...

Wait a sec---I already feel tired all the time...I think I will take some benedryl right now..Oh no its going ot make me tired. Lol. I was already planning on laying back down cause I felt tired.

I just love it when You answer your own problems when you speak them outloud...

One Fourty Two P.M.

2006-12-12T11:42:00.000-08:00

Chain-filled Heart
6x8 ink on paper
I might as well apply for a nursing home.I just took a nap and now I am feeling much better. Now all I need is some apple sauce and a straw. A wheelchair and some "Wheel of Fortune" - Yes mom, Get used to it, all the elderly are watching Pat Sajak...
But I love you and I love watching it with you...

It doesn't matter if I have to take a nap. What matters is that I knew and realized my weaknesses and worked around them. I took care of myself and I will have a better night because I did so. I have some laundry and some drawing to do. Then I have an A.A. meeting to gratefully attend.

Stepping through my day.
Living Life and Smiling inside

Ten - O - One A.M.

2006-12-12T08:01:00.000-08:00

Got to bed last night really well and woke up with a 4-5 hour sleep. Had be up anyways this morning to get my dad from the hospital. He had surgery, nothing big-really nothing big at all, he's fine. So I worked on some step work for A.A. and got thru some shows until I got the call to go pick him up. I am now home and tired. Probably just cause of the weather and the lack of excitement going on...I really can't tell cause I feel like this all the time. I'm probably going to take a nap and lay doen for a bit. I have a meeting tonight and I will hopefully make it there. Its been sometime since I made my tuesday night meeting with the way I have felt.

2006-12-11T07:25:00.000-08:00

Off to live my day. I went to sleep at about 1 am and then woke up at 5:30am...I think I am on a sleep only for a few hour schedule again. What ever Schedule I am on, I will take it cause I do not feel exhausted nor do I feel tired. I hardly feel any aches. I am driving spencer to school to see if he was accepted. Then hopefully I will get my lazy ass to the hair cutters'. I've needed one for sometime now but I haven't had the energy to go out and when I did have the energy, All i could do was what was necessary for that day.

I'm off to go breathe in the day...

maybe I will have another fulfilling day.

I will just take it step at a time down this path that I am to follow.

One foot in front of the other.

One moment at a time.

Four Twenty One P.M.

2006-12-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

It sure feels good to feel good again. Walking on eggshells. Wondering when I will feel Uggh again. But I am not overly worrying my brains out. I made it to the meeting and then afterwards went out to Old country Buffet for some fellowship. It felt great to get out of the house and see some of my friends. It felt great to get to a meeting too.

I did feel kind of yuck when I got home but I have been just taking it easy watching a few shows, making sure to relax. I have my journey out to eden prarie tonight to get spencer. I know not to push myself too much but I also know I need to keep moving thru the day. Thankfully I am just feeling exhausted and not too out of it.

I have started to get achy joints again and I need to go take some Tylenol to hopefully help with that.
I hate the feeling of not feeling good and I know Sometimes it begins with the starting of my joints begin to ache...So I better take care of myself before I feel worse

2006-12-10T06:17:00.000-08:00

Feeling much better. Woke up around 6 am and decided to move on with the day. It feels so good feeling good (Of Course). I am going to go to a meeting this morning. Haven't been to one since monday and I really need to get out of the house. I also need to get a hold of everyone that has tried to call me in the last week. I really don't like talking to people when i feel like crap. It really makes no sense to me cause I would be unable to hold a good conversation on the phone feeling the way I have.

My conversation would go as follows:

Me: Hello?
Other person: Hey, how you doing?
Me: I feel Like crap
Other person: Hope you feel better
Me: Me too
Other person: Get Better
Me: THank You, I got to go, I don't feel good
Other person: Take care
Me: Good Bye...
Other person:Good Bye...

So i decide to just leave a message on my voice mail explaining I feel Like crap and let things be. It's not too personal, but atleast I am getting the message out there. Also I really don't feel like doing anything else when I feel the way I have.

I'm going to do a few things and write more later

Distorted Saturday

2006-12-09T10:22:00.000-08:00

NOON
And I still feel like I am sick.

My symptoms are:
heavy head.
headache. (pounding)
Tired (Of Course).
Nauseous (but not throwing up)
I can't write anymore....

One Thirty Six P.M.

2006-12-08T11:36:00.000-08:00

Tilted afternoon. My day has sang its tune
where I woke up with the sun
I fall to sleep with joints that ache
Ive laid my head down and I haven't been able to sleep. My head hurts and my body aches. I just want to fall asleep.I will not make it to my meetings. I will not make it on my field trip. The only place I will make it to is on the other side of my eyelids. And I hope that comes soon. I don't feel good.

Nope I really don't feel good at all.

But I will be okay.
This too shall pass

Eleven twenty eight A.M.

2006-12-08T09:28:00.000-08:00

As time ticks by - I feel more tired and icky inside. My head aches on the sides. I'm starting to not feel to great. My joints are once again aching. I will take some tylenol and lay back down.

Nine-O-Five A.M.

2006-12-08T07:05:00.000-08:00

Ate a big meal and Did my shot a little bit ago. So now I am 1/4 of the way done with my treatment!! Only 36 more shots to go

Since I have a long day, and I'm starting to feel tired already, I am going to lay down and rest for a few and then get back up and move on with the day. I'm pretty sure this is the most responsible thing to do instead of pushing myself through the night and then being laid up for a few more days because I over did it

(But I really don't have to do anything and I could still end up in bed for the next couple days)

Unclogging the Fog

2006-12-08T01:27:00.000-08:00

Three Twenty Seven A.M.

Coming out of a deep fog and feeling a little better. It seems as I have a little energy so I am taking advantage of it. It's 3:30 am on friday morning and I am at the computer, out of my room, doing this and doing that. I have had my sleep and I have had my dreams. What I haven't had is the energy to do do anything else but look into my dreams and say hello to my pillow since tuesday.

It is a warm feeling being able to do something else. being able to do anything.This is the first time in "DAYS" that I haven't felt so physically exhausted and completely fatigued. Finally, I am able to move about without that over all heavy cement feeling within.

It feels so great to move more than 10 feet without that feeling. I had no Idea how much just moving about can mean to my smile in my soul. Actually I do know, but Once you find that you have trouble just doing the smallest of things and then you do those things that you couldn't do, boy does it bring a smile of sunshine within. SO I am taking advantage and I am breathing in these moments in front of me. I still can't get over at how exhausting everything can be. Unbelieveable until you have to go through it.

I don't know how long I will feel this way. I am on the hesitant side just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Today is my shot day. This will be shot #12. Its hard to believe I will be coming up soon on 3 months of this treatment. If I continue to have the support that I have had I will make it. It sure is good to know that I have friends that are understanding and caring.

The only thing that has gotten me down is the lack of energy that I have and that I can't do things with others sometimes, and I have to break plans, or when I do make plans I have to tell people that I can't or might not be able to make it a for sure. And then I have to ask my friends to try to understand that its nothing personal. Its my treatment I am on. But so far I am surviving and breathing and doing. It's not easy but sometimes you have to go through the rain to see the rainbow.

2006-12-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

My head aches
My joints ache
My tiredness falls asleep
Its exhausting being so exhausted
When you feel the pain inside your sleep

2006-12-05T18:58:00.000-08:00

My body is a thousand tons. My mind is an empty vessel. I fall into my sleep all day. My dreams swallow me. I am only able to move a foot without feeling exhausted. I feel nauseous when I sit up too long. Today I did not do a thing but rollover and fluff my pillow. I was supposed to do a couple things today but I can't. I can't even find my phone to call those that I was supposed to help. And it takes too much energy to look around for my phone. So I am falling back and rolling over and going back to sleep.

I need to eat something and take some tylenol. I bet that is why my joints ache and I am feeling sick. I have hardly ate anything today and the last time I took tylenol was early this morning.

2006-12-04T15:23:00.000-08:00

Good day and I am feeling the same. Of course I did the same pattern of sleep through the part where the sunshines, but I don't have to allow my night to be absent of that same sun shining attitude. I woke up and took my pills, took my tylenol, drank my coffee, filled my stomach to full, and then ventured around the house seeing wht it is that I can do before I go to my meeting tonight.

I made some calls, answered some more. Copied some worksheets that will be used in our meeting tonight. Doing some laundry that got some scent that is bugging me on it. I have my friend on his way over to help me drag in an entertainment center. I am feeling quite good. I feel tired but I am not letting that deteriorate my day. No matter what I do I am going to feel tired so I am holding on to this positive energy that I have within and just flowing with the rest of my day....

2006-12-03T16:03:00.000-08:00

Kept laziness in my dreams today. Was up til 6 am being proactive watching all the T.V. shows I've watched before, and every once in a while I'd throw in a movie to break routine.

Since sleep consists of many hours that pass by while you close your eyes, the day has passed by as well. My morning started a little bit ago. That would be this afternoon. 4:30pm. I don't regret it since I got some good decent sleep, sometimes these days sleep can be hard to get. I can be tired but I can't sleep. I can be completely exhausted and fatigued, but I won't be able to fall asleep. So for me to have some cdecent hours of continuous sleep was a great smile for.

I have my weekend sunday chore to go pick up my friend down in Eden Prarie. I am slowly moving my way out the door over the next few hours. No rush. I have a few things I am doing around here before I go.

I am cleaning up some old paper work around my computer. Slowly organizing so everything doesn't look so chaotic, then I will feel less chaotic within. A clean area, oraganized a little bit can do wonders for how you feel within. I can't do it all in one day, but I can start and that means I am one step closer to finishing than if I would of never started.

2006-12-02T23:49:00.000-08:00

My day was full of absent thoughts. Slept. Kept tylenol in my soul to rid myself from the aches. A laid back day. Its the day after my shot so this was usual. I don't feel like crap I just feel like my soul is mush. So thats a positive, right?

Shot Day #11 - Eleventh Injection

2006-12-01T10:42:00.000-08:00

Waking up here on a sunny cold friday. I'm going to go eat something and then do my shot for the day. Feeling better but I will feel even better once I get some coffee in my mind.

I have my friday meetings tonight and then the drive to Eden Prarie to drop off spencer.

Off to wander thru the afternoon

Side Effects

2006-11-29T23:25:00.000-08:00

My throat hurts and has hurt for sometime
Its not a cold-just a side effect
My eyes are heavy-they have been heavy for sometime
Its another side effect
My muscles ache-they've ached for sometime
thats another side effect
I'm tired still-I've been tired for sometime
another lovely side effect

2006-11-29T12:58:00.000-08:00

A dry smile. I am feeling better but still tired. If I really think about it, why would it be so different. Of course I am tired, there are side effects to my medication and treatment I am on and Tired is jsut one of those lovely effects. I am moving about and around the house. I am taking care of a few things of importance like a shower and laundry. Also watching my pre-recorded shows that have piled up over the last many days.

I'm positive that I am not going to do too much more, but atleast I am doing something. A little bit is a lot to me and that is just fine and I accept that.

Going to wander around and mozy like a snail in a turtle race.

2006-11-28T13:09:00.000-08:00

Still tired and not feeling all that well. I don't feel like complete crap like I did yesterday, but I am very exhausted and when I do have my eyes open it is a struggle to move around without being overly tired. Its not the easiest to get back to sleep, but I can hear my dreams whispering for me to visit them. Its only a matter of time before I do end up knocking on Mr.sandmans' door. My body is just too heavy to move around today.

I'm exhausted and going to lay down

2006-11-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

You ever just sit back and listen to a headache? It is very excruciating and painful to hear. The left side of my forehead feels like it's being prodded with a hot poker. I've taken my tylenol, I've had my caffeine. Now I need to take this headache and throw it off a cliff!!! It's making me feel so much more sick than I would if I didn't have it.

I need to go lay back down...This hurts too much

2006-11-27T11:21:00.000-08:00

Facing the pounding of a strong headache. My body is tired and sore. I am awake doing a few things, but I am sure that I won't make it too much further. This headache is a migraine and thats all I need to say.

I'm feeling flu-ish symptoms when I walk around. My throat and head are at war with eachother.

I am only going to make it so much farther before I lay back down and crash back to sleep.

2006-11-25T20:17:00.000-08:00

I know I always say I am tired but "GOD, am I freekin tired, fatigued and let's throw that other word in----exhausted!!

My mind is marshmallow and my body aches.

My feet hurt, I have a blister on my left big toe on both feet.(yes I have a left Big Toe on both feet)

The sale was good. I wished we could of sold everything. But we didn't.

We were going to do it one more day tomorrow but no one will let me. My body can't handle it. It's not good to push it so far and everyone knows this is a last day for me before I crash. I want to but I can't be superman. I'm glad I have friends and family who know when to tell me enough is enough. So i took down all the garage sale signs. and I've let it go.

My throat is on the verge of sore. I have been out in the cold for 2 days. The weather has been nice, but chilly sometimes. So all that has taken its toll. I'm not looking forward to how sore I will feel whern I wake up through out the night. That is when the pain hits. But this too shall pass.

I am glad to have been there for my friend. Sometimes we need to sacrifice our selfish ways to help better the needs of others. This sale had to happen. The stuff had to go and someone needed to help her. So my family as well as my friend Kathy and yesterday brian did just that. It takes a village, right? It takes friends and I am so grateful to know what friends are today.

And it was 2 beautiful days spent with my mom and dad. That was my energy of warmth these 2 days. Whenever we spend time together and if I want to hang out with them- I will go upstairs where they are and watch a T.V. show with them. That is the the way we spend a lot of our time together. But these 2 days have been sitting in the garage, on chairs, hanging out with no T.V. - Quality time that means the world to me. It really meant so much to have that. It was worth all the blister and aches and tiredness I feel. It was worth the chilly mornings and cold hands and frozen feet. It was worth it to have some one on one time- Mom, Dad, and son. It doesn't matter what we were doing - we were doing it together.

Off to the dreams I so need in my sleep.

Loooooong Day.....

2006-11-24T14:32:00.000-08:00

Garage sale has been going well. It's jsut been so tiring on me physically, emotionally and everything else. I still have the rest of my day to do. I have my meetings tonight. then I have spencer to drive to his parents house. If I can not sleep tonight when I get home then someone bring me a punch in the face to knock my lights out.

I am exhausted and fatigued. Whats new? but I am moving on. I still have tomorrow to do with the sale and sunday.

One day at a time....

What a way to spend my birthday - working at a garage sale and doing my hepatitis C shot...

Shot Day #10 - Tenth Injection

2006-11-24T11:53:00.000-08:00

Shot done at 1:46 pm. I am in the middle of a really good garage sale. Lots of people showing up on this november day.

Will write more later.

P.s. Not feeling my best but I'm doing...

Distantly Dsitorted

2006-11-23T17:37:00.000-08:00

I've come to the end of my day. I am text book fatigue. I am emotionally drained. Physically exhausted. It been just like all the other days. I tried to take a nap earlier but I couldn't. I went out to eat then came home and I was too tired to sleep. I was going to take a nap before I went out to hang up signs for the garage sale, but I thought I'd better do it now before I fall asleep and not wake up til Tomorrow and none of the signs are up. Now I am really glad I chose that path...

So now I have completed a very long day. A normal day with normal hours to the normal world. A long day to my worn out soul. I don't feel good when I am up this long. I start to get all achy and Ugghish and sick. But on the good side I will be able to fall asleep with a smile and wake up prepared for the garage sale.

I hope she can get things priced tonight. Everything is ready. I just don't want to be the one to put a price on her personal belongings. It's understandable why she hasn't been able to. She has had to put in many hours of work. I am gratfeful to be able to help. I am not sure how this would get done without friends to help. The truth - I know it wouldn't get done.

But I let go. It's not in my hands-I've done what I've needed to do and more. I will pray that she has the energy to get the pricing done cause she put in a double shift today at 2 different jobs and won't get over here til 1 or 2 in the morning to do some pricing. Then she has to go to work again at 9 in the morning...And I complain about being tired? please put in some warm thoughts and prayers that this works out for her, Positive energy, and some positive flow that she can get everything she has to finally sold ...she could really use the prayers.

Thank you and good night.

Side effects - I am sore and in pain. I ache and I am tired. I am exhausted and my brain is mush. I am talking more non-sense than usual. I am 2 seconds from hugging my pillow to sleep....

Thanksgiving...

2006-11-23T09:07:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful to be well enough today. I was really worried about today and tomorrow. We are going out to Old country Buffet for our thanksgiving. We have been doing this family thing for many years now. I love it. Where else can you have Nachos, Pizza, and fish on thanksgiving and still have more room to go back up for Turkey. We have just the small Immediate family; my sister, mom and dad. So this works out perfect for us and to top it all off-they pick up your garbage and do your dishes for you!!

I have not been feeling the best these last couple days. I am fine for a couple hours but then if I stretch my time being awake and moving around, then I start to feel all fluish and sick.

My birthday is tomorrow. I haven't really had the energy to really think about it all that much. I really don't care about my age but I do like to celebrate. But being on this treatment has clouded my thoughts and it has just made me want to feel okay on my birthday and today. Nothing more and nothing less. Just to not feel sick. That has been my big goal for these 2 days. And sometiems its out of my hands, so this was something I have been worrying about. So far so good. My big plan for tomorrow again is to feel okay. But we will worry about that when the time arrives.

For right now I am going on with my morning and by the time I get back from my Thanksgiving meal, I am sure to not only feel full, but I will have been up doing things for awhile that I will need to lay down and rest.

2006-11-22T13:24:00.000-08:00

Well I did my trip around the world. I got posterboard for the signs and some balloons for the mailbox. I of course am extremely tired. I am so glad that I went out and did that. There is no way I would probably be in any shape later on to do it. It made me that much more tired and exhausted, but the sad thing is I will still have trouble closing my eyes and saying hello to my dreams. But I will try.

I have to lay down and get a little nap in. My body is starting to feel sick because it needs to lay down. My head is starting to ache and my muscles and joints are quietly in pain. I will try again to lay down. Did I say I needed to lay down?

I think I am going to lay down....

2006-11-22T11:59:00.000-08:00

helping my friend get ready for the garage sale isn't all that easy. There is a lot of stuff. I can only do so much myself on a couple different levels. One - Its not my stuff to price and that she needs to do. And two - I am not the most healthiest person on the block. She has to work both friday and saturday so I am going to need the help of friends to help me with this. If only for a couple hours.

Today I am tired. Very tired. My body and mind are worn out. I am going to the garage here and there to slowly take stuff out of boxes so when she gets off work tonight she can start to price things. I lay down because I am soooo exhausted, but I can not sleep. And I really feel like I need to sleep. I really could use a nap. But I lay down, close my eyes and guess what-my dreams to not some my way....

I think I will go and get some poster board to make up signs. The little trip out might get me that much more tired.

2006-11-21T13:22:00.000-08:00

I have hit a wall. I tried to lay down but was unable to rest. I couldn't get to sleep and now I have that tasty feeling in the back of my throat. That bitter taste of full blown exhaustion. My body aches, My joints hurt, I feel like an old man predicting that we are going to be having bad weather. Maybe the weather that I am having is inside my own body. I am feeling a terrible storm inside my body. I can not make it to my meeting tonight. I wanted to go really bad but I am sitting on the sidelines today. This is not the way I wanted to be spending my evening. But life doesn't aways go the way we want it to. I accept this.THis is the way this treatment is sometimes. I am not just feeling tired and that same old word, "EXHAUSTED" I am also feeling a little bit on the "BLAH" side. Yes, That is a medical term used my the most highly respected doctors.

I am going to try to lay back down after I take my evening pills. Its the most I can do. Really, It's all I can do...

2006-11-21T09:59:00.000-08:00

I can hear the whispers of a headache trying to converse its spoken words my way. I am sure my body is telling me to take it easy for a little bit. My friend dropped of a bulk amount of her stuff off in our garage. I am glad me and my family can help her out. She still has some more things to bring over, but its just a couple couches and I could say more than a few and less than a lot more boxes.

I've been up for a bit now. Besides the oncoming of a headache, my joints are starting to ache. I've eaten my food and have been drinking my water, And my tylenol has been swallowed as well. But I ache all over and I am just thinking i've done a lot to my body and its letting me know.

I wish when I spoke about doing a lot I could really mean "A LOT" but just me being up for so many hours, helping my friend bring in some boxes to our garage, and concentrating and beginning a new drawing I am doing....That in my world these days is a lot. And it is amazing how much I ache and I am tired from all that little bit.

But as long as I know and don't push...I will do what I need to do and I know that "This too shall pass"

I'm going to aim myself toward the nearest place that I can take a nap...

2006-11-21T03:26:00.000-08:00

My day becomes inverted from what it was yesterday. My mood follows along with it. My exhaustion is only a whisper. My fatigue stays behind to keep exhaustion company.

Its early in the A.M. and dawn has not even peaked its eyes over the horizon, but I am taking advantage of this feeling. I have a few things that are in need to get done. One of those things is that my friend is moving in january and she has to sell "99%" of her stuff. To make a long story short, She had plans to sell her stuff in a garage sale a couple weeks ago, but plans fell thru. She is on a time schedule and the closer we get to winter, the colder it gets. Each week that passes by is another week that is going to be terrible to put on a garage sale. So, I thought why not "nip things in the bud" and help her out. We are letting her bring her belongings over here and use our garage to sell her stuff. It will probably be the best week too. The weather will be around 50 degrees and it will be the day after Thanksgiving and Saturday. 2 great days where people are out shopping for x-mas anyway. I said I was going to make this a short story but obviously the way I talk, nothing is ever short...

So to make a long story even longer....She is going to start to move her stuff from storage today into our garage and over the next few days as well. She will price things as the week goes on and then we will have the sale on friday and saturday. I'm here to help a little bit. On friday and saturday I will be able to mozy out and sit on my ass for a little bit. That is something I am good at. Something That I practice on a daily basis. I guess that is what I have been in training for the last couple months....

I also need to get some baby clothes to a friend of mine and get my friend Spencer to try to get Medical Assistance.

We will see how the day progresses... But for now I am moving thru it with a smile.

2006-11-20T06:20:00.000-08:00

Not able to keep these eyes open. Not able to move around. The only sound that I can hear are the yawns I make when I'm awake. I am so tired that my fatigue has followed me into my dreams. My exhaustion has become my fatigues friend, and they both walk with me inside my sleep.

I'm too worn out to worry -
To drained to "Be"
I'm just going to remain asleep
until I get the call from energy

Evening

2006-11-19T17:02:00.000-08:00

Been sleeping all day. It felt good. I am about to go pick up spencer from His parents house in Eden Prarie very soon here and then come back home and see where my night takes me. I am just waking up so I have no Idea how I am truly feeling, But I don't feel like shit so thats good.

2006-11-19T03:25:00.000-08:00

I have a tired body, and my mind has been following close behind. I have not gone back to sleep since I woke up at the end of yesterday's afternoon. But I have had daydreams of going back. The exhaustion lingers. And my fatigue doesn't have the energy to go anywhere. I think my T.V. is going to file a restraining order on me for stalking it all the time.

Its 5am. A short while ago the sandman stopped by and gave me access to his personal stash. He's allowed me a couple extra grains of sleep to keep myself inside my dreams. And that is where I am about to go. I've decided to cash in my exhaustion for a one way ticket to bedtime.

I've done somethings and lots of nothing today. I did enough to keep a smile in my soul.

I've been tired all day and night but it's only been in the recent hour that I have been tired enough to sleep. You have to remember that me being so very exhausted doesn't mean that its that easy for me to go to sleep. It just means that I am in a state of extreme physical or mental fatigue that makes me have extreme tiredness.

Doesn't being on Hepatits C treatment sound like a nifty ole' walk in the park, totally tubular, kick ass fun time? Oh let me tell you..This is such a fun, fun, awesome treatment to be on!!!

Yay for the lack of energy!!!!

And Yippee for feeling Yucky!!!...

Time for me to say goodmorning and goodnight....

P.S. Hooray for a screwed up time schedule!!!

Who ever said my life was normal anyways?

2006-11-18T16:04:00.000-08:00

Squeezed into tight places
my blanket swallows me with warmth
what is uncomfortable with open eyes
fades away with the moonlight
the achiness
the exhaustion from too much fatigue
Leaves me with an option of one choice
As I fall with happy thoughts
into my dreams of desired sleep....

My dreams are my friend. My blankets are my battalion that help for me to fight against the cold. There is nothing like a good snuggle with the blankets wrapped tight to help cure your achy joints. That and some Tylenol. My head remains best friends with my pillow. This is the bulk of my activity for today. This is fine with me. I really don't have the energy to argue against this feeling anyway. My eyes are tired, my body is sore. But I am flowing with the sands of time. Why fight it? I let go and move on. Other than all the normal uggh-ish feeling, I am doing okay emotionally, as well as mentally.

I'm handling it by not fighting it.

And this too shall pass....

2006-11-18T06:20:00.000-08:00

Long night. Good night. Tiring night.

Did my usual friday night. As i stated in yesterdays little journal of mine, the side effects went as I thought they would. throughout the evening I Got the little "my hands start to shake" ,not noticably but I can feel it. I got the sweats, had the foggy mind. Got the achy joints and the uncomfortable ugghish feeling. But I went about my evening. Why destroy a good night when inside your body feels not up to par. And it was a beautiful night full of positive vibes. Energy that I truly needed to breathe in. There is nothing like swallowing the flow of all around positve energy that flows around my friends somedays. And yesterday was one of those days.

I persevered thru a long night and now it's A.M. in the morning on Saturday. I am tired and ready for bed.

I need the sleep. I need to sleep. It's been a long night and I will sleep away the day but thats okay.

Four Seasons

2006-11-17T11:45:00.000-08:00

Project: create the feel of the four seasons using only 4 colors and using all 4 colors in each season.
Left to Right - Winter, Spring, Summer,Fall
Colors Used: Purple;Red;Orange;Blue
Acrylic 8.5x11

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Got my labs done this morning. She hurt the "F" out of me. But atleast it only takes a couple of minutes out of my real busy schedule. That's sarcasm... After I had my Labs taken I went over to school and registered for winter classes. I am taking "Intro to Psychology" mondays and wednesdays - "Advertising/Promotion" tuesdays and thursdays. I'm real scared that I will not do too well. I'm worried about being sick. But that is all fear based, and once I start school again I'm sure I will be fine. My classes are only a couple hours each day. I have a real great teacher that I can really learn from for Intro to psychology, and I know that will help out a lot. I'm not so sure about my other class and the teacher, but I'm a big boy and I will persevere.

I did my 9th Shot at 12:30 after I ate a good meal.

I have my 2 meetings tonight. CMA and AA. I am giving my friend her 4 year medallion at the CMA meeting. After my meetings I will Then drive spencer to his parents house in Eden Prarie.

Side effects from the Shot: I will be okay through out the evening. I will start to become sweaty and achy and a little shakiness in the hands will be noticeable only to me during the meetings and while I drive Spence home, But it will be Do-Able.

Shot Day #9

2006-11-17T02:10:00.000-08:00

It's been a month since I last had my labs done. I will be going in again this morning at 10 to have them done. I only need to go in monthly now, The first month they need to monitor my levels weekly, and then after about a month they do it monthly. I can't believe a whole month has almost gone by since my last labs. Time sure is going by.

I will more than likely do my shot after I get home from my labs. My first day is tolerable after my shot so I haven't worried so much these last few weeks when I should take it. It's the days after that are up for grabs, But i have learned to live with it and I know what to expect.

I slept for so long yesterday that I have been up half the night. It's 4 am and I will lay back down shortly here to make room for a couple more dreams before I need to wake up and go get my blood taken.

I am not liking the fact that I had to stand up my friend yesterday, again, because I was too exhausted and tired to move. I don't like this side effect of the treatment. Thank God he is a friend and is understanding and is tolerable of me. That means a lot. Cause this is not easy. I wish I didn't have to make and break appointments with friends and also not be able to do other things with people when they ask me to. This is hard to tell them "No" I hope they truly understand that it is not them, I would love to, it's just this Fricken treatment I am on.

2006-11-16T12:58:00.000-08:00

i just can't find the energy to get thru today. my body is pasted to my bed.

2006-11-15T16:17:00.000-08:00

Keeping the day silent from activity. Spending time doing nothing and then when I finish that I might just not do anything. I feel okay - I'm just real tired. Exhausted physically. I'm lugging around like I'm walking through wet swamp mud. So it feels better just being under the covers with my remote control and when I get sick of that I have a book to read.

I have a shower thats calling me and I will partake in the ritual of washing myself. That sounds like the bulk of my day...

Wet Cement

2006-11-15T12:10:00.000-08:00

I am a bag of wet cement. I'm having a very tiresome day. Body is feeling so very heavy to move around. My soul is wet and worn.

I've been laying down. This is the best thing for me to do when I am like this. I really wish I could of gotten spencer to his medical appointment, but there was no way. I did get my dad to his car this morning. But that is going to be the bulk of my day.

I need to get myself something in my stomach and then I am laying back down again. It's just the right thing to do. I am no good to anybody when I feel like this. But that I know and knowing that is a good thing.

The End of A Day

2006-11-14T20:45:00.000-08:00

Its been a long day but i made it thru without a scratch. My meeting went well and we were going to stop by the hospital but she wasn't feeling good enough for a visit. I have a few things to do tomorrow, so I will be forced to wake up at a reasonable time. Like during the time of the day that the sun in shining.

I'm getting up at 7 am to drive my dad up to get the car. Its been fixed. I can come back home and sleep til I need to wake up to drive spencer. I am driving him up to get medical assistance. It will be a good way for me to get out of the house but without having to do anything extensively physical. It's rough when you know that if you do too much, and when I mean too much I mean just a little bit more than nothing much, that you get really tired and fatigued. But like G.I. Joe - knowing is half the battle and If I know that then I can work around it. And that is what I am doing...

Going to put in a movie and then say hello to the Sandman.

How am I feeling....

I don't have any joints that ache and I also haven't spoken to the man who issues out headaches in quite sometime now. Since I woke up earlier and forced myself to stay up, I am now tired enough to fall asleep when my dreams come calling.

My day was tiresome - but I walked with my head held high and made it thru with a smile and perseverance

2006-11-14T14:36:00.000-08:00

I said hello to my dreams and woke up around 1:30 this afternoon. I feel alright today. I went up to the auto parts store for my parents and got them a Rim for their car and while I was out doing that I went up to school and got the registration papers so I can find what classes I want to take next quarter.

It was really great to walk up those school stairs. I even saw a girl that I had a class with last quarter and we talked for a couple minutes. It was just nice to see a familiar face. Boy did it feel good to get out and go up there.

I have my tuesday meeting and then I am seeing my friend in the hospital. She really needed our visit yesterday and it just felt good getting out of my self and going.

Once again, I am feeling okay. I am tired and sort of fatigued but I will manage.

Good-morning and Goodnight

2006-11-14T03:07:00.000-08:00

Morning rises as I fall asleep. I was awake all night. My mind couldn't wind down and relax enough to find any dreams. Nothing buggin me, just over stimulated myself, and when I got home ended up doing more than I should have. Next thing I knew the clock was coming into focus and it was 4 A.M..

I will not be asleep all day but I will get my dreams worth.

My body was starting to ache earlier and I keep on hearing the little whispers of that headache trying to knock on my door. I do what is needed and it seems to drift away, but it comes back when there is too much silence. It seems to want to have a conversation with me, but I don't like talking to "Headaches" - They drive me out of my mind and are a pain.

Will write when I wake back up........Goodmorning to all and goodnight myself

Absolut Zen Day!!

2006-11-13T12:11:00.000-08:00

Pretty Zen Art
ink/acrylic/watercolor 11.5x8

I made it for school. The theme Absolut vodka. I decided on absolut Zen. There was a small absolut bottle in the yellow triangle of the sun. And in the white space was going to be the words Absolut Zen. But this was too pretty of a drawing. So I erased the bottle and kept it just as art. The drawing below is what I ended up with. It visibly looks more like their Ads that they always have.

Absolut ZenGouache 11.5x8

We draw so much stuff about liquor or wine in school. Come to think of it, Maybe it wasn't a lot but as someone who doesn't drink or use drugs anymore I really notice it when others do. Be it on T.V. or commercials or billboards. We are a world full of Drunk Lushes. Atleast they don't steal there Dads quarters from his pants pocket to get drunk. Thats why they can - And people like I don't.

How I am doing-------

I'm doing alright today. It's another good feeling day. I got some Orajel for my sore in my mouth. I can eat now. Well, I can eat without pain. I do have the whispers of a headache and my body from time to time aches, But that is just fine. I can take some tylenol and most of it Subsides. It's also a welcome feeling from how I was just over a week ago.

Trying to remain in a good mood. It helps when you feel good.

Everything I watch on T.V. or Movies I am so sensitive and get teary eyed. I have felt tears run down my face over the last month more times than I can count.

I have my Big Book Study tonight for A.A.. I also had another person ask me to be his sponsor. It sure feels good when others see what you have and they want that too. Before I go to the meeting I am visiting a friend of mine who is in the hospital for blood clots in her stomach. I know what its like to not feel good so I need to reach a hand out and remind her she has friends that are thinking of her.

I'm tackling the day

2006-11-12T11:36:00.000-08:00

I have no major complaints today. I am feeling alright. My only pain is a hurting gumline in the back of my mouth. I am trying to take care of it. It will take time, and that is something I sure do have. I feel good enough to go get spencer today and spend sometime with his grandma. That is a plus because doing that even makes me feel better and there is nothing wrong with wanting that.

His grandma is back home at her assisted living place. That is a plus. We had just decorated it with halloween stuff when she pulled this stunt of cracking her ankle. Now its Thanksgiving and we can put up those decorations for her. She is happy to be back home I know. Being in a hospital Bed for so long is draining on anybody. Nevermind that she is 82 years old.

As for me, I am grateful to be having another warming day of feeling okay. I will keep taking care of myself, lay back and relax my body and then go on my field trip out to my other family for the evening.

Here is another drawing I did. There is more I could do to it but I thought I would put another piece up here. I call it first kiss.

2006-11-11T12:12:00.000-08:00

I'm looking at the world from the side today. I am grateful to say, I do not feel like crap. But that doesn't mean I feel all that great. I am out of it. I am tired and I feel my achy joints. Did you hear that? Its the sounds of gentle whispers filling my head with an ache.

Keeping my body hydrated is my biggest goal. By doing that it keeps those whispers of having a headache a little farrther away.When I walk around or do something, that is when I feel the worst. Though I am tired, I can not fall asleep. But I do have some movies to keep myself company. Today, my blanky and my my bed are my best friends....

Still Feel Alive...

2006-11-10T13:40:00.000-08:00

Been living the day. Been doing the day. I have got somethings done. I have made sure not to do a lot.

Tonight is my 2 meeting night then my field trip out to spencers moms in Eden Prarie. So far I'm okay, Feeling alright, and I am quite confident that I will survive the evening. I have been gone from the meeting the last 2 fridays, so it will be nice to get back. I miss that group and I know that I am missed as well.

Nothing else to write, just had to post that I am still alright. I guess that is Something of importance. To me it's really amazing. I'm still waiting for that other shoe to drop. But I won't let my thoughts get consumed with worry and dread. I will take whatever I am feeling with gratefulness.

Shot #8 out of 48

2006-11-10T10:59:00.001-08:00

I did my shot this morning. My side effects have been different then it was when I first started the injections. They are more do-able the day of my shot. I will have those small effects later on but I will still go on with my day.

Just because I Inject it into my system doesn't mean I feel it right away. Now with my past drug addiction - that was a different story - Thats why i did drugs interveniously. As soon as I pulled the needle out I could feel the effects. But these meds take a long time to peak. Thank God, I think. 80 - 86 hours... Long acting shit to make me feel like shit. So I feel I am safe doing it so early in the day. I will be okay.

And if I am wrong, and I start to feel sick, then oh well. I will deal with that when It arrives.

I usually post a picture with a sense of showing how I am feeling at that moment. This picture is different. I do not feel distorted or out of it. I just like how this pic turned out and had to post it.

Side effects that I could whine about...

I have been visiting the toilet today more than I would like. Thank God I have a crossword Puzzle in there.

These last few days I have noticed a soreness in my mouth. Just sore - no "Sores"..I think I have been clenching my jaw tightly. That must be from the Ribavirin.

All in all I feel good. Doing a lot of unproductive things that are important to do, and doing some productive things just to feel like I am doing something other than nothing.

2006-11-09T20:58:00.000-08:00

Crazy day. A good day. It was a crazy day because it was a good day. Another one, huh? Well I can say goodnight with a smile.

I say it all the time, But I know it to be true. I can predict to not be feeling good for long, but it sure has been a relief from the way I have been. I will ride this wave as far as it takes me, and right now I am riding it into the softness of my sweet filled dreams...

Tomorrow I do my 8th shot.

2006-11-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

What a beauiful day...

I am having another day of feeling good.

Well, let me not get ahead of myself. I am so far, this morning, Up to this minute, feel great. And this moment is all that matters. I drove spencer to an appointment for school this morning. I think once I start school again it will be good for me. This sitting around all the time can really be hard. All I have to think about is how bad I feel. These last couple of days that have had things to do, have really been good days. They have been tiring, but its been nice to have soemthing to do for a few hours other than just my meetings.

I'm off to do some things of nothing. I'll be sure to rest for a bit in while here, I know not to push it too much. I think I have done well about that the last couple of days. Just enough to get by but not enough to put me out for the next couple opf days.

Then this evening I have my meeting to go to.

A beautiful day it is isn't it....

2006-11-08T15:30:00.000-08:00

Its a day of feeling good. I really feel good....I got thinngs done, had a great visit with my P.O., completed a lot of nothing around here, but still completed somethings.

But more importantly, over everything else. I feel good today!! what a welcomed feeling other than what I have been dealing with lately. I am not caring how long this lasts. I only have this moment and I am breathing it in with all my heart.

I am still going from this morning. I was going to take a nap, but I just sat on the couch and watched some parts of a movie that I am recording. That was enough to fill my down rest time. Very needed, I will sleep good tonight. I might have a friend come over and watch a movie with me tonight. We will see....

Did I tell you I feel good today???

I was telling my P.O. today that I started the Hep C treatment and she said her husband went through it. She knows what I am going through and that is very comforting.

Also, yesterday I was at a meeting and another guy there overheard me saying I was going through the Treatment. He was telling me a few things and could totally relate to the overall tiredness and fatigue. It was so good having someone else understand what I am going through. It was really warm to hear...

Four Fifty Nine A.M.

2006-11-08T02:59:00.000-08:00

Tired with Fatigue

Awake from No Sleep

Stayed awake and worked really hard to not sleep yesterday afternoon. I went to my evening meeting and then got home and let my eyes rock themsleves to sleep. That was easy, I was exhausted and ready. But then I kept waking up about every hour and then every 2 hours. Finally at 4 am, I knew I wasn't going to sleep anymore. So here I am.

I decided not to fight it. Why, it wouldn't help. It would just give me another hour of being in bed with my head on the pillow. But with my eyes wide awake that can be annoying.

I have a P.O. meeting today and this morning I am driving Spencer to an appointment for a school he might be attending. I am hoping that I can change my appointment for my P.O. to this morning while spencer is at his. Then this afternoon - when My fatigue WILL set in again - And it certainly will, then I can take a nap.

I'm afraid my P.O. is going to look at me and think I have been using. I'm not in tip top shape and have the look of a dead man from this treatment I'm undergoing. Then I am afraid that I will have to take a piss test and my medication that I am on for this Hepatitis C will cause a postitve pee test. I know this is all in my head. But I have to get it out. Stupid thinking can cause insane thoughts.

I am doing great in my recovery. I am coming up on 4 years soon...She even asked me to bring her literature about our Crystal Meth Anonymous meetings.

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Talked to my P.O. and she said its fine if i come in this morning. Thats just perfect cause if my past is any example, I will be dead by this afternoon.

One Fourty P.M.

2006-11-07T11:42:00.000-08:00

Just can't seem to get into any gear. Even first gear doesn't want to kick in. My body is so heavy. I feel like I am swimming in quicksand. I'm thinking about nibbling on some dreams.

Ten Fifty Four A.M.

2006-11-07T08:54:00.000-08:00

Tried to sleep thru till the rooster screached his song, but woke up at 11:30 last night and was up till 3:30 this morning.

Finally got back to sleep at that time and then awoke at 5 this morning and have been walking around here with a mind filled with tired thoughts since then.

I want to search out and to find a pillow, But i am thinking of things to keep myself busy. My day is uncolorful right now. No taste of flavor. I'm Just trying to find some energy. I am feeling somewhat better which is good. It feels strange to not be in bed since I have been it for so long. My mind is very exhausted from what I do not know.

Actually Its probably the treatment, huh?

It would make sense...

I better search out something more energetic than this computer. It's not helping me out just sitting in front of it.

2006-11-06T12:03:00.000-08:00

I'm out for the count.

Tired and I feel what I put myself thru today.

It sure doesn't seem like much, but to me it feels like I moved mountains. I can go to bed knowing I did something. It wasn't alot but small steps repeated can complete any undertaking. And my undertaking was to get thru and DO today. And I'm exhausted. I really want to go to tonights meeting but when I dropped off spencer and even on the drive back here I was beginning to feel Yuck again. And I am feeling complete fatigue and my mind is tired and I am feeling worn. I feel it is a smart idea to just stop for the day. Literally come to a hault and end my day here. I have done enough and I can not push myself anymore. Really, I can't do anymore.

So I will take a couple tylenol and bring drinking water to bed, put in a movie and pass out for the evening. My goal is just to sleep thru the night so I can start fresh tomorrow.

I'm already feeling a headache splash the insides of my mind. I better stop writing cause all I am doing is pushing myself more.

And I can't.

I just can't.

2006-11-06T08:52:00.000-08:00

So I have traveled farther than my bathroom and even have made it outside for a minute or two. I have taped a few shows that I haven't watched for the last week and have now just completed watching those. I even picked up all the garbage of wrappers and a few plates that has accumulated over the last week around my bed. Its amazing what you don't see when the lights are out for so long. It wouldn't of mattered anyhow, I knew it was there and I just had no strength to do anything about it.

I've been up for a few hours now, actually since 9:30 last night. If your wondering its 11am now. Not an extreme amount of hours, but I feel it. I need to lay down for a bit then I will try to get back up. But I think I've done something today which is more than I can say for the last many days.

--------------------------------------------------------

11:30

Just got a call from spencer and he is at his moms' in Eden Prarie. He needs to get home and I have decided to go get him before I go take a nap. I figure it's best since I do not know how I will feel when I arise this afternoon and I do not want to say I will pick him up later when I do not know how I will feel then.

He's squad leader for tonights meeting too. I want to make it there tonight but my track record has been poor lately and I'm just making it through the day today. So i am going to go out there-pick him up- drop him off then come back home and take a nap. Better to do it now when I am somewhat feeling okay then to say I will pick him up later and just feel like crap and am too tired.

Lack of energy..

2006-11-06T06:58:00.000-08:00

You know I've been tired if I can't even make it to my computer to sit on my lazy ass and write down what I'm doing. This is how It's been for me almost coming up on a week. I just do not have any energy. My bed has been my abode and I am getting sick of it. I'm going to force myself to move about today. I just have to. But I am so T-I-R-E-D and exhausted. Its sooooooo Hard.....

Threw my telephone to the side and haven't checked it since wednesday. Just left it turned off. Either I'm sleeping or Its odd hours and I haven't felt good and would rather just leave conversations be (Especially when I am feeling like this). I would rather just get better and then speak to others. When I feel sick or am just really exhaustingly tired like this I really don't like to be around others. I'm really a baby when I'm sick.

I haven't felt good and now I think I don't feel good cause I haven't felt good. Bring your body and your mind follows and my body aches and is exhaustingly tired. So how do you think my mind feels...About the same and it sucks.

But I'm not down and depressed or anything, just really tired and exhausted.

And very exhausted from being tired

And just plain worn....

I can't believe how much fatigue I feel.

Oh well, on the positive I'm one day closer to finishing this treatment and my Labs show negative for Hepatitis C.

And I say my treatment better be doing something for the amount of crap I have to go through

Shot #7 out of 48 ( Closer to being done than I was yesterday)

2006-11-04T01:48:00.000-08:00

It's saturday morning, 3:15am. I took my 7th shot yesterday and I actually feel better since I took my shot than I did the last couple days.

I've had a few bad tiring days where I've been laid up in my sheets the last many days. . I still feel out of it. I think I'm coming out if it, but who knows. It's been mostly sleep for me. What am I talking about, its been all about sleep for me. Just too low of energy to do anything else. Getting up to go to the bathroom was too exhausting and so was making myself something to eat. Even my t.v. watching has declined.

Someone mentioned I get on some Anti-depressents. I'm not sure if I want to head that way right yet. I am not depressed, just very physically tired. And thats the effects of the treatment. But laying around in bed all day doesn't bring the emotions the best of smiles, does it? Still I don't feel like I want to take anti depressants. I Have been on them in the past and do not like how I feel if I miss a day or really any of the side effects of them. Then if that pill doesn't work I have to start all over on a new one and see what those effects are. I really don't like that. I think I will just stick to the fun side effect of the Interferon and the ribavirin and if those become too much, I hope I will have the guts to give in and try some anti-depressants.

2006-11-02T18:50:00.000-08:00

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2006-11-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

feel like crap. all i can do is sleep.

2006-10-31T13:57:00.000-08:00

What are the words you use when You do not awake to the day,but instead, you just happen to open your eye lids and enough hours have passed by that it is now the next day. I still feel as tired as I felt those moments before I fell into my dreams last night. I'm milling through the day with exhaustion that I haven't even earned. You usually find that you become tired and fatigued when you've completed a big task of either physical or emotional proportions. This is not the case for my situation, All I did was open my eyes and move around the house.

I seem to be getting sick of the taste of 95% of the foods out there including any hydrating substances. Its not just settling in my stomach with a frown, that I can handle. But the taste that lingers in my taste buds irritate me and make me feel nauseous. It's very annoying. Even smells are becoming quite nauseous to me. Peoples perfume, cologne, fast food smell, the air that blows through the breeze. My gum that I chew. Odors have become something I need to keep a tight stomach on. Sometimes I just want to run, but then I go someplace else and what do you know, a whole new completely wafering smell that has my stomach turing in circles.

It sure would be nice if people would stop wearing so much perfume or cologne. But they probably are hardly wearing at all and I am just being sensitive.

even as I write this I am holding back from what feels like a date to the bathroom.

I'm off to go to my tuesday meeting.

God, I feel miserable....

Plagued By ill Feelings

2006-10-30T19:59:00.000-08:00

I've had better feelings running through my body than I am at this present moment in time. And so I am sitting down to diary, to very well, more than likely, and I can rest assure, I am positive to remain and continue to be unrested, restless to the ends of my evening. I am quite confident that my human shell shall stay and remain unpleasant. So many countless ticking seconds that add up to hours proceed this writing. All time that has been plagued by ill feelings. To the lamen. I am very out of it. To the one that is still reading my overly descriptive nonsense, and to the one who has not yet fallen asleep, bored with my adjectives, I say, you are too kind. I think I took my ribavirin a little too late after I ate. I usually eat it with something that has substinance. That way it settles into the stomach like a baby wrapping itself into its mothers arms. but today I ate and then about an hour and a half later I remembered that I forget to take my pills. I did just eat something again, hopefully that settles my yucky all over body feeling. Maybe it won't. Whatever happens I'll just go with the flow, nothing I can do about it now.

Still in first gear and feeling like a turtle with a learning disorder. Driving was not easy tonight either. I was asked to go out after my meeting, but had to decline. Not only am I feeling yucky but I'm not driving to well. Best if I just stay home and drive my king size bed with the remote control.

I'm also slipping into the onset of a headache. I find myself at a fork in the road at this time of night. Do I flush the headache with water, Knowing that I have a high chance of getting rid of it, but then become so engulfed with water that I need to piss like a race horse. And to tell you something honestly, I'm not a horse nor am in any mood to race. I'm also not in the mood to almost be falling asleep then have to roll out of bed to go to the bathroom all the time. But, if I don't take care of this headache I certainly could feel worse and that is not good for me. Plus I need to be drinking lots of liquids.

I of course will take care of myself, drink plenty of water and a couple tylenol, read a book til I am tired and If the worst of my night is getting up and going to the bathroom then I think that is nothing to really complain about. I'll bitch and I'll whine but I'm man enough not too complain. That would just be pathetitic.

P.s. please Do not think I am in a sad or negative mood. I look back at what I wrote and I can see where someone could misinterpret that. I will say this like I say a lot of times. I feel okay. I don't feel great, and I have certainly felt better. I just accept and know that some of my feelings are not going to up and disappear. If I fight those feelings and wish so much to be feeling a different way. If all I do is sit in pity and i wish I felt better and I just don't accept that I feel this way; I am going to feel this way for sometime; and its okay that i feel this way. Then I feel that i am setting myself up for a fall. I'm not saying I can't and I don't try to remain positive. But i stay away from overly high expectations. I desire and hope to feel great. I think positive, and try to keep a smile. but If I don't then thats okay.

Deep inside, atleast at this moment, I am happy. I feel like crap, but I am happy. I am lucky to only be feeling the way I feel and I I could be worse. I also have the best parents who are helping and putting up with my crappy days and I have some good friends too. I have things I can do when I feel like this. things that don't invlove a lot of doing. Of course some of the things I write are depressing, Thats only because I know a lot of adjectives and I like writing. Do you think Stephen King would be so scary if he never used the dictionary. Anyways, I talk too much sometimes, even in my thoughts.

Plainly stated, but way longwinded.This is reality and this is my life. This is also a diary. I'm pretty sure if you were to write down all your thoughts not all would sound like you were happy happy Joy joy. This is my treatment. I accept this and this too shall pass. This isn't forever. And I don't want pity just strong kick ass "Virus Killing" prayers. and now I am babbling.

Like I haven't talked rapidly and continuously in a foolish, excited, or incomprehensible way before.....

2006-10-30T15:16:00.000-08:00

Transition. the process of changing from one state or condition to another. Perseverance. steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. Holding on. This too shall pass. staying the course no matter how filthy the path. Waking up to another beautiful day and only seeing half the sun shining and feeling tired within my soul.

This is one of those days. where I just have to move through it. I did not wake up feeling like crap. I did not wake up in any pain. Deep inside I know its a gorgeous day. All I need to do is open my tired eyes and see. I can feel its warmth comforting me. But the rest of my human body and captive stagnate weary mind says its a grey day out today. My body is in first gear and I am too tired to do any shifting. What a battle I sometimes endure through out the hours within the momments of a day. But I have learned and I do not put up a fight, I move past it. This is just a day that I feel this way. It will go away. This too shall pass. I let it go and move on. My nurse said there would be days like this. And this is one of those days. I will remain with a smile inside even though it doesn't show through on the outside. The only thing I don't like is going out in public feeling this way. Everyone thinks somethings is so very wrong. I guess there sort of is but nothing to be concerned about. I just feel like this today. I need to move through the day like a zombie. This is my day. I guess I can be thankful for friends who care.

I'm okay today I just don't feel alright...

thats funny....

Whispers of Exhausted Thoughts

2006-10-29T21:55:00.000-08:00

As my past predicts, I am very tired and completely exhausted. Had a great hour and a half visit with grandma and ate dinner over at spencers parents. His nephews and niece were over there, so I guess I had a good all around family day visit over there. I can't get over at how exhausted I become at the smallest of tasks though. I've written this before and I will of course sometime in the future say it again, but It blows my mind at how mentally and physically exhausting just driving out there spending a few hours and coming back can become. I might as well have just came back from a 2 week trip on a safari in the depths of africa, where I was chased by a tiger and had to prevent myself from being molested by an elephant. Alright, maybe i'm over exagerrating just a tiny bit, but leave it to me to over analyze and blow things out of proportion. If I was to tell the truth I'd say I'm as tired as being on that safari for a week.....and thats the most I will over analyze my exhausting for today and I'm sticking to it.

I did get some movies from a friend of mine, he put aside some things for me to watch knowing I have all this free time until I go back to school. It's the little things in life that make me smile. And watching a movie is less tiring than being dry humped on the plains of africa by a giraffe. I would have to say you can't argue with that.

I sometimes get days where my brain doesn't work worth crap, and this goes without saying, especially for those of you who know of my proffesional A.D.D. but I will say it because I am the narrator of this lovely diary, but there are times that I can be a complete Doe Doe bird when it comes to thinking sometimes, and then put this lovely treatment I am on -right ontop of all that and I could be a complete melted marshmallow brain without the chocolate for the smores. Yep! that sums my day up perfectly. I am one hersheys chocolate bar short of a smore' - Don't you feel like that somedays?

Back to the movies, I'm grateful to have a friend set aside some non-brain thinkers for me to watch when I start to become incoherent.......Like now.

As for other noticeable Side effects: the "ribavirin" is making me want to scream and blow my top off at the smallest of things. I have to hold my breath, walk away and count to twenty thousand just to relax and then I get so amped up that I am getting so angry at the smallest of stupidest things that - that really seems to irritate me and then I find myself counting to twenty thousand and one. This of course is the side effect of the Ribavirin and as long as I know that it makes it okay........................Uhhhmmmm No it doesn't, that irk's the shit out of me too....J/k But truthfully, I'm really not liking the little whiny pissed off at everything feeling that I feel sometimes. I'm Sorry for those that come in contact with it but most importantly I'm sorry to our outside faucet for being the brunt of my anger. I apologize Mr. Faucet and I will have consideration for your feelings in the future.

Oh, and here is a lovely fun side effect that I endure. When I take a shower, it can't be too hot or too warm and not for too long. And when I am done I am supposed to lotion up. The medication dries my skin like skin that has become very dry. And the dry skin itches like skin that is itchy. And I just took a shower in a place where a shower is usually taken, and can't help but itch myself to oblivion. "Then put some Lotion on whiny Little Boy!!" I suppose you all have some great Idea for lotion, well, I will listen but my Nose will smell and drip and sniffle even the most non-scented of ideas. Maybe If I dip myself in KY jelly? but then I would have to have a midnight wrestling match with the swedish bikini team. I'm not much of a wrestler ,but I'll start...But then all I can think of is what if I started wrestling in the KY jelly and the scent of that bugged me and I got all sniffle snot plugged up nose....GOD,!! What a Allergy to smells HYPOCHONDRIAC freak I am!! I'm not picky, I guess I am.. .My skin is driving me up the walls. It was so much nicer when I smoked cigarettes and All that smoke blocked out everything that smelled. Including me....

My brain cells have shown you there best today, stay tuned for tomorrow......

Re-runs

including a never before seen commercial and dialouge about how I am tired and exhausted. And at the end I say something like.....I Don't Feel Good....Have you heard me say that yet??

Well, stay tuned tomorrow cause it's all brand new......

The afternoon Wakes me up

2006-10-29T13:05:00.000-08:00

Awakening to the evening with a feel of optimism and a warm fuzzy in my pocket. I'm feeling much better. It's hard to tell where the tiredness from the medication ends and where I'm just exhausted from not moving around too much lately starts. It's not anything I really need to concern myself with and worry about, the important thing is how I feel right now and to make the most of it while it lasts.

I will be going out to Eden Prarie to pick up spence and hopefully see his grandma who is in the rehab hospital. She broke her ankle a week ago trying to reach something out of her chair. She is like my grandma so it is very important to me go see her. She was in emergency last weekend and now she in "The Colony" right inside eden prarie, which is right down the road from his parents house.

So that will be my evening. Nothing to dramatic but atleast it will be nice to get out of the house. You bring your body and your mind will follow and lately my my have become stagnate.

2006-10-28T14:49:00.000-07:00

I'm so delightfully tired. Exhaustion has yet to come into play on this day, because every cell in my body aches for sleep. Not a very productive day, but I am one day closer to finishing this treatment. Just floating throught the day scavenging for sweets and kissing my dreams hello. I'm drinking enough water, so I figure that has helped decrease the chills and other aches my body is used to experiencing. I wish there was something good on T.V. or i had some good movie to watch, but even if I did my eyes are too tired to watch. I'm too tired to sleep and too tired to do anything.

Isn't life just a peach.

Shot #6 out of 48

2006-10-27T15:32:00.000-07:00

I'm just feeling a wee bit better from the last couple of days. Now It's shot day and I'm in for a rough couple days. But I can worry about that when I feel that that way, if I feel that way. Right now I'm exhausted and feel like crap. I am staying in for the night. I'm not going to any of my meetings nor am I driving spencer home. I think its just better to watch T.V. and rest and get this bug thats been buggin me out of my system.

When the body walks around in a fog for a few days, and takes in the breath of bewilderment and confusion mixed with a big cup of "Yucki-ness" it can only do one thing but exhale mental exhaustion and spit up something called do-able fatigue.

It seems that my feeling sick from the last couple days and my nausea, sprinkled with trips to the toilet, has finally left and gently slipped around the corner and all that is left is its shadow leaving me in the afterglow of a misty mental mind fog feeling. I am a zombie without the toilet paper wrapped all over my body. I might have a piece stuck to my shoe here and there, but sometimes thats life and we have to go through life with toilet paper stuck to our shoe for a period of time before we must wipe our own feet clean on our own.

And so here lies Another moment that I am getting over from being sick again. And so I wipe my feet clean, perseverance is moving through what life throws at me. And now I am here to face what is ahead of me for the next few wonderful days. I know deep down, in front of me, my next few days will have me feeling like a whole bathroom where wet toilet paper is on the floor waiting for me to walk all over it and get it stuck to my feet. But, Until I find A new bathroom, I will just persevere through this one and pick off all the little crap that life gives me on my way. I can make it through it.

I feel like shit but I don't feel like crap.

Anyways,It's really no big deal. This is just a bad metaphor.....Its not real...This is all a just a stupid metaphor conjured up by me.

===================================================

None of this probably makes sense so I will sum it up for you. We will call this section:

How Hepatits C Treatment is affecting Jason Today (FOR DUMMIES)

I've been sick. Starting to feel a little better but still feel like crap. Still not feeling good. Today is Shot Day. The shot doesn't make me feel better.

So that is you "Cliff Notes" on reading my blog. There will be a quiz next week....

2006-10-26T21:29:00.000-07:00

Dancing emotions in the muscles of my stomach. I feel heat in the chills that comfort my ill uncomfortable pain. I have not been having a good day. I am so hungry but nothing seems too appetizing. Earlier, I ate something of substance and my toilet took claims to it before I could even digest it. Saltine cracker seem a bore. I can not get to sleep because my body aches in unusual ways. My head is heavy here and my tired eyes speak to the whispering man with a headache in his hand. I am just having a real rough day. This to shall pass, but I could let it go anytime now and move on to something else. Hmm, Like maybe feeling better, and feeling better right now, Yeah that would be my cup of tea...

2006-10-26T14:15:00.000-07:00

I feel like crap. I am very nauseous. Everything I try to eat i need to throw back up. I am fairly dizzy if I stand for mor than 2 minutes. I am real tired but can't get to sleep. What a miserable feeling. I am going no where but to my bed tonight.

2006-10-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not doing too well today. I feel nausea at the edge of my thoughts. I am so very tired. I want to go back to bed. if I cough once I am going to throw something up. My whole body is ver sore. I need to find my bed. I don't feel good. Goodbye

*****That was no understatement that I needed to throw up. I jsut got done driving the white procelien bus to nausea-ville. All my liquids and other by-products cam back up to say hello to my toilet. I couldn't stop and was getting the heaves. I think I feel better now, but What ever I feel I don't want to spend it on here when I could be snuggled in my blankets...

I'm Negative!!

2006-10-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

My nurse called me today. She said that when I had my last labs done they did do a hepatitis C test and she just got it today. It is showing "NEGATIVE" .Its been 5 shots and my last lab showed negative, They are calling me a super responder. There is still a chance that I may relapse after I get done with treatment ( that means that after 6 months when I go for my follow up - after I finish my treatment, I may all of a sudden show positivew again) but there is a 95% chance that I will not. I sure will take those odds.

My nurse also says that she will not take me off the the tx early and that I will be on the full 48 weeks. I am grateful for that. Sometimes, some Nurses will take there patients off at 24 weeks but she wants to make sure that all of the virus stay killed. I will put up with these side effects for a negative result. Its only 48 weeks out of my whole life, thats just a whisper in time....

This doesn't mean I am out of the woods. There is a lot of foliage and brush I will have to go through over the next year. But I can see the sun peaking its rays down upon me and It has me feeling warm.

There is hope out there

I can thank God and all of your prayers and warm-filled thoughts for that.

Thank you

2006-10-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

I went to my my hep c nurse this morning. She said my levels are looking great. They don't have a viral load to see about the virus, but my platelettes and my hemoglobin which is a 13 is just fine. She says i look a little yellowish grey, so she looked me over and couldn't tell why since my levels are looking so good.

I am feeling alright today. I am finding things to entertain myself, and tonight I have a meeting to go to. I got a prescription for "Ambien" so I can get some continous sleep. I do sleep alot but only for an hour in a half at a time. Not enough for my body to mend itself and go into REM. Hopefully it helps.

I am still in a fog today. My mind seems to be covered in a film of numbing thoughts. I do get teary eyed over the littlest things. A television show or a movie or even somebody sending me a thoughtfilled text. All of these things seems to bring water to my eyes. This of course is a side effect of the medicine. I am a sensitive individual and I do have caring feelings, but not to this degree. All is not bad and there is a lot of good in how I am feeling. It means that the medicine is trying to do its stuff. I am glad to hear that my tiredness is not because my hemoglobin is low, just that its the medicine and the treatment I am undergoing. That was actually very good to hear cause I was worried about that.

2006-10-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning at 10:15 am, is my first follow up visit with my Hep C doctor to see how the medication is working out for me. I hope I'm doing some productive Virus Killing. I'm kind of anxious to find out.

2006-10-23T14:43:00.000-07:00

Tired with distorted thoughts, My mind is in a fog. I walk like a zombie, One foot slowly moves in front of the other. I shuffle through this day like an old man in worn down slippers. I manage to stay manageable. I keep perseverance in my soul. I stay in the path of today. I do not walk any farther, but I do not stagnate. I flow and move. I develop and I become. My body wants to scream out in chills, but I wear a sweater over my soul. I put a plug in the jug that held the whispers of my headaches. I will not sip from that well today. I do not feel great, but I will not let myself feel like crap. This is my day. This is my one day at a time. And I am okay with this, because I accept what has fallen in my lap.

2006-10-22T03:16:00.000-07:00

My head has a feeling of a thousand pound weight. My body just goes along for the ride. My eyes close tight to search for a dream. My tiredness lurks around in my mind. And I rest, I drink lots of water, and I sleep.

Kitty in a Hurricane

2006-10-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

I've got a dull pain in my upper left shoulder blade. My body feels sick and yucky. I'm sleeping now sporatically. Never longer than an hour and a half. But other than that I feel okay. This is a long term feeling that I expect to be feeling. So its no surprise to me.

If I keep drinking water, it does miracles. I do find though that I am not really that thirsty, So I can forget to drink my share of water.And also, I would rather just fall back asleep. But, If I don't drink anything I start to feel worse. So on my menu for today is lots of water and here and there tylenol. Sounds like That would be a good brand name for Tylenol. "Here And There"

I find that the day or so after my shot, I get a strong lingering obsessive urging crave for sweets. Boy could I raid "Candyland" right now.

I also begin to type something and I forget totally what I was going to say. All I can remember is that it was something important I wanted to write. And knowing that drives me crazy. I have the thought, type 3 words and like a Kitty cat in a hurricane, it floats away to go "Meow, Meow" in another town. I started this blog to record my thoughts, but what do you do when your thoughts disappear like a shadow in the wind.

All I can do is go with the flow. I learned when I get this way that when I start to become forgetful, I just need to do Hypnotic Non- brain Activites. Hmmm I know something that will paralyze my brain and that doesn't invlove thinking until I can remember again.

Oh shit!!!
Now I forgot.

There goes that cat , can you hear it, Its in the other town.

"Meow" "Meow"

Let go and let god.

Time for a Movie!!

2006-10-21T00:11:00.000-07:00

Taking my shot just before I went out for the night was a great Idea. I was able to go about my evening, do what I wanted to do and needed to do, and now after my night is at its end, I am feeling the shot begin its effects. My back is aching and my body is beginning to feel yuck, but I am so tired from the rest of the day, that soon I should be able to pass out fairly quick. who Knows what the rest of the next couple of days have in store for me, all I know is that today I feel good. Not so much physically, but mentally.

I feel a rush of warm fuzzies from taking action and just going with my gut on doing my shot when I did. I was hesitant, what if I started to feel bad. Well thats the beauty of it all, I have friends that would of helped me out if things got bad. If I would of started to really feel sick then I have a few friends that would of helped me get spencer home, and get me home. All I would of needed to do next was get past "Myself" and humble myself for the help.

I was starting to get shaky and the sweats during my meetings tonight, but I held on. I was getting kind of irritated at small things, but I held on. There was some moments that I had a hard time concentrating and understanding what others were trying to tell me. But I held on. and I jsut flowed with the night like a feather in a soft windy breeze. And now I am at home, safe and ready to take a couple tylenol to rid these aches, drink lots of water to liquify my body, and pull up a big piece of my blanky and snuggle deep into its warmth....

I better get going now, I am very sore around the shoulders. They feel really tight so I better stop typing. Its not smart to over do it.

Shot Day #5

2006-10-20T11:26:00.001-07:00

I've already been out to get my labs done. After today I will be going in monthly. I have my checkup on the 24th, next tuesday to see how my levels are and if this medication is kicking any ass. While I was up getting my labs done I got my flu shot. Kind of funny because the interferon I inject each week, from what I understand, is what your body creates when you have the flu.

I'm usually good when they poke me and start filling up my blood into vials, but today I was getting lightheaded and I had to keep finding a happy place to go. Its never a bad place to go, but the beautiful creek I was imagining kept fading away and all I could see was blood filling up in vials.

As for my health, I am doing "Okay". That means I could be worse and I wish I felt better. I am just very fatigued. No energy at all. I will lay down for an hour or so before I have my meetings tonight.

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***4:15pm***

I just got done doing my 5th shot. Last week after I did my shot, I didn't start to feel anything for 5-6 hours and I was up til 6 in the morning. I am trying this time to do it right before I go out for the night then hopefully by the time I start to really feel the effects it will be time for me to come home. crossing my fingers....

Its worth a shot right? lol....

Somethings Missing?

2006-10-19T14:39:00.000-07:00

Can you see what is missing from the picture up above? Can you try to take a wild guess. Come on, and go out on a limb...are you stumped?

Our tree outside our kitchen window had caught itself oak wilt disease, probably from partying too much or a bad transfusion in the 80's, and the city has a no tolerance law against that and another disease i can't remember. Thank God the city doesn't have that policy with Hepatitis C, huh? I don't need any of my limbs cut off of me.

I am at the end of my day and I am "bushed." I wanted so bad to get out to a meeting, I am very exhausted and tired, yet I was still going to try. But in the last hour in a half I started to get a real bad allergy attack from some foreign scent, And now I am at my wits end. If I move more than to millimeters I begin to dribble snot and sneeze. There is a mischevious flowerish scent that is driving me batty. And I am such a baby when it comes to my allergies. My nose is all red and I have every kleenex in a 5 block radius used up. I just got a call from santa claus and he said if rudolph doesn't pull through this year, he sure could use my bright red bulbish nose to guide the way....

It's Time For Lemon Ade

2006-10-19T01:15:00.000-07:00

It has been a long few days of in my room, under the covers, feeling like dirt, not being able to do anything, exhausted and miserable, days and nights. The hours have clocked by so slowly, the T.V. shows have become so boring, My attitude has become so sick, and my thoughts have become the same.

"Bring your body and your mind will follow" a great quote that I try to live by, And I find that I live by those words, in many different aspects daily. I am always living life - with positive or negative energy. If I let my body follow into the positive energy flow of the day then what seem s to come out of it is the same nurturing light. But there is always an opposite to life. And if I live in the negative energy then What follows me around is negative feelings, negative thoughts, and negative emotions.

Life gives us lemons all the time. And that is life. My life has given me a big fat lemon to live with for a short period of time. "Sometimes" It is so hard to persevere through, It is so hard to go on. Sometimes my energy is so low and I am so exhausted that It hurts. It is so hard to feel good when you feel like crap. To find strength when all you are is weak. Literally, I physically feel weak.

But I am going on, for this too shall pass. This is some of my side effects that I just have to go through. I just have to. The outcome is in the near future. I can see why people count down their shots and the days and the weeks of this treatment. This is not easy, but neither is life, and like the famous quote says "If life gives you lemons - then make lemonade!!"

I was asked to put up some of my art work on here. This is my most recent work.

**Ink and acrylic on paper
11 x 8.5